Please Mommy, don't screw us up!

When my first daughter was born, I remember being so excited to get out of that hospital and get my pudgy lil princess home where she belonged. I also remember being equally excited about getting "the bag". You what I'm talking about, Mommies. The bag full of free crap. It's like a consolation prize- you have NO idea what you're in for for the next 18 years, so here's a bag full of free shit. Our condolences.

Well, we we're getting ready to leave the hospital; the baby was snugly secured in her car seat, and I was dressed in my finest postpartum attire, when I noticed that no one had brought me a bag. Man. I'm totally getting the shaft here. Not fair. I'm mean they sliced and diced me and ripped an 8 pound human being from my uterus, the least they can do is give me a damn bag. As if she could read my mind, in walks the nurse...carrying my bag! Sa-weeeeet! I hobble over to her and rip my bag from her hands. Gimme me my bag, bitch! I tore into that thing like a kid ripping into her presents on Christmas morning. Baby lotion- lame. Baby wash- lamer. Coupons- boring. Formula- ok. Nipple shields- useful. 3 diapers- come on now.

Me: Where's the book? There's no book in here.
W: What book, dear? (I could sense his annoyance)
Me: The how to not screw this baby up, be a perfect parent, and raise a perfect child all while avoiding spending thousands of dollars in therapy. For dummies. That one.
W: There ain't one.
Me: You mean she doesn't come with a how-to book?

It's true, folks, babies don't come with a how-to book. Sure there are all kinds of parenting books out there encompassing thousands of different topics, but there is not one book that says, "do exactly as I say, and I will bet you a million bucks your kid will be 100% healthy, happy, and well-adjusted." I don't know about you, but my kids are screwed.

So, ultimately, it is up to us to do the best we can to not screw up our kids. It's no easy task. I mean, do we vaccinate or not? Do we co-sleep or put her in the crib in her room? Do I breastfeed or formula feed? Do we let her cry it out? Do we spank? Do we do time-out? What age should we potty train? Do we put her on a schedule? Or let her make her own? Should we use disposable diapers or cloth? What kind of parenting style should we follow? Attachment parenting? Authoritative parenting? Permissive parenting? Help me?

I'm breaking out into a sweat just thinking about it.

Each Tuesday, starting next week, will be Parenting Topic Tuesday! Woo hoo! I will discuss all the latest hot topics in the world of parenting, beginning with vaccines. Good stuff.

P.S.- I totally made up that story. I know babies don't come with a book...would be nice though.

Please Mommy, don't screw us up

Toddler Psychosis

I actually googled the words "toddler psychosis" today. I had to see if such a thing existed. It doesn't, but I'll look harder tomorrow, because I think my toddler may be psychotic. When Pookie doesn't get the proper amount of sleep at night, she transforms into a cave girl. A wild, out of control, uncivilized cave girl. She whines and cries and kicks and throws whatever she can get her hands on. Sometimes she grunts, too.

She woke up too early this morning considering the awful sleep she got last night. I saw the look in her eyes as she sheepishly walked down the stairs. The "I'm sleep deprived, and you're in for it today, mommy" look. I shuddered. I knew the fate that awaited me. I knew instantly that this day would be a total nightmare.

Sure enough, it began with the breakfast protest....

Me: What would you like for breakfast this morning, my love? (I was being extra sweet in hopes of starving off the emerging cave girl)

Pookie: Noooooo

Me: No? You don't want breakfast?

Pookie: Yeahhhh, brefist!

Me: Ok, what would you like to eat?

Pookie: Noooooo

Me: Fine, you're getting Cheerios then.

Pookie: Cookie! Cookie!

Me: No. Sit down and eat your cereal, now! (At this point we're sitting at the kitchen table. I'm feeding the baby with my back kind of turned to her)

Pookie: Nooooooo

I turn to look at her and at that exact moment I saw the bowl of honey nut Cheerios fly toward my face. Fuck. She has great aim.

It got worse. Much, much worse. She was scaling the walls, swinging from the chandelier (honestly, its just a hanging light fixture, but "chandelier" sounds nice), pouncing on her sister like a cat and somehow she had managed to destroy the house more quickly and more efficiently than an F5 tornado ever could. By the time my husband came home, I was ready to down a fifth of Jack and pass out in the tub.

My cave girl is now curled up in her bed, sleeping like a little angel...but I know better ;-)

Mickey Mouse is a narcissist

Mickey Mouse

1 Magic Kingdom Drive

Orlando, Florida

Re: Narcissistic personality disorder

Dear Mr. Mouse:

Let me start by saying that my two year-old daughter is a huge fan! We watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse every morning while she drinks her juice, and she lovingly refers to you as "meee-mouse". With that said, I regret to inform you that I believe you have narcissistic personality disorder.

According to the Mayo Clinic, narcissistic personality disorder is defined as a "mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration".  Mickey, what the fuck is a mousekatool? Or a mousekatoor? Or a mousekadoor? A mousekawho? A mousekawhat? Why is EVERYTHING about you? So self-righteous. Yeah, it's YOUR clubhouse. I get it. But, my goodness, it's mouseka-this, mouseka-that. Do you not care about your friends? Maybe Donald wants a little recognition, too? He has been your homie since the beginning, and let's face it, he's always portrayed as your lowly sidekick. What about Goofy? I mean, this poor guy is certainly not the sharpest tool in the shed, and maybe all he needs is a little self-esteem boost. Did you ever think about naming something after him? No, you haven't. Mick- you have an inflated ego, my friend.

I've been to your kingdom- it is quite magical. I've seen your castle. In these tough economic times, have you considered downgrading? Perhaps a cute little mouse-house would make you seem more approachable and less self-centered. Your clubhouse is also quite elaborate. Have you considered your carbon footprint? I'm sure you use quite a bit of energy and/or fuel on all of your motorized gadgetry.

I would also like to point out that you just make shit up. Meeshka. Mooshka. Those aren't even words. I'm trying to teach my toddler proper English here, and your fake words aren't helping the cause.

I have enclosed a list of mental health professionals in the Orlando area for your reference. Narcissistic personality disorder is a treatable condition. God speed, Mickey.

Sincerely:

Kristy

O health, where art thou?

I'm dying. No, really, I am. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday I will actually die. I have uttered the words "I'm dying" more times than I can count. In my 29 years on this earth, I have ALMOST met my untimely demise many times. I have had more heart attacks than Dick Cheney. I could write guest posts on WebMD. I am (in my mind) a certified Internet medical doctor (I wonder if there is a way to actually get certified? I would pass with flying colors). I know more about rare diseases than most doctors do. I am, folks, a hypochondriac.

My preoccupation with my health started when I was a young lad. (Does "lad" refer to a boy? I think so, but I'll use it anyway) I had a swollen lymph node in my neck once...I was sure it was Lymphoma. The doctor wasn't. So, I dutifully sucked down my prescribed antibiotics, and sure enough, the swelling dissipated. How did I even know what Lymphoma was at such a tender age? I'll tell you why- my mind soaks up medical information like a fucking sponge. I missed my calling; I should have gone to med school.

So, the doctor had proved me wrong. I didn't have Lymphoma. Whew! Maybe we just caught it early enough and the antibiotics knocked it out? (I know better than that now, I'm practally an oncologist) I had better start looking for another disease that I may possibly have and quick. Can't be too safe. Gotta catch it early. And, so it began. I have had everything from your average run-of-the-mill coronary artery disease to more rare, exotic diseases like microscopic polyangitis and sub-acute bacterial endocarditis.

Headaches are the worst for me. Do you even know all the things that can go wrong in your brain?! Tumors, and hemorrhages, and aneurysms....OH MY! I'm that little boy in "Kindergarten Cop"...it probably is a tumor!

Somehow, some way, my miraculous body has healed itself from these often fatal afflictions. So, I digress.

I'm better now, really. I'm properly medicated. :-)


****ON A SERIOUS NOTE****

Let me just say that I actually do have plenty wrong with me. It's been proven. I swear! I've had the tests! I have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue, I have an unidentifiable autoimmune disease (maybe Lupus, maybe not), I have high fasting blood sugar, my mital valve leaks, and the biggest kicker of all- I have Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. Holy shit, I actually HAVE a rare condition! I've won the genetic lottery, let me tell ya.

Ehlers-Danlos syndrome is a rare, genetic disorder that disrupts the growth of collagen in your body. Collagen is not only responsible for plumping one's lips to unnatural proportions, but it makes up the connective tissue needed to strengthen our skin, joints, internal organs and our blood vessels. With EDS, our body is lacking the glue needed to basically hold it together and we're floppy and bendy. The number one symptom is joint hypermobility (or "double jointedness"). My husband enjoys that. I plan on dedicating a post or two to EDS awareness in the near future.

Stay healthy, my friends.

Hello.....is it me you're looking for?

To kick off my fabulous mommy blog, I figured I would talk a little about my life and those in it. You know, a getting to know you session. A meet and greet of sorts. See, I think I need you all to really know me in order to appreciate my idiosyncrasies and my view of the world. Hopefully you'll love me and my family as much as I do!

Close your eyes. Imagine Carrie from "Sex and the City" sitting in front of her window in her Manhattan apartment, typing her latest relationship advice column on her laptop. It's 9:00 on a Saturday night, and she has to finish soon because she has been invited to attend a fabulous fashion week event tonight. Her rich, limo-owning boyfriend, Mr. Bigg, is on his way from the Upper East Side to pick her up. Her hair is perfect. Her outfit is fresh off the runway. She's a single, stylish (that's debatable), 30-something with a killer body.

Now, I want you to imagine the complete opposite. I'll help you...it's 9:00 on a Saturday night in swanky South Jersey. An almost 30 year-old, married mother of 2, step mom to 1, is sitting in her suburban townhouse writing a blog on her 8 year-old desktop. Her hair hasn't been washed in two days and carries the delightful scent of spit-up. Her outfit is fresh off the clearance rack at Target. She's carrying almost 40 pounds of baby weight and her boobs are so big, they hurt her back. Her husband (we'll just call him W for the sake of his privacy) is dressed to the nines in his finest boxer shorts and a well-worn t-shirt. Her sweet, 9 month-old daughter (Bitty) is sound asleep in her hand-me-down crib. Her "spirited" two year-old daughter (Pookie) is running around screaming because she's tired and won't sleep. Pookie's shirt is covered in about 450 unidentifiable stains. Her 12 year-old stepson (C) is sitting on the couch with his dad watching "Dodgeball", picking his toe nails.

There's no rich, handsome boyfriend on his way to take her to a fabulous soiree. There are no runways. Hell, I don't even own a laptop (well, we did, but I spilled coffee on it). My life is simple and I LOVE IT and those in it. We're a one income family livin' on a prayer. It's important to us that I stay home with our girls during their early years, and because really, who can afford daycare for two kids??? I plan on telling you all about how we make it on one income in a two income world.

I was born on May 4, 1982 at 2:12 pm. It was a Tuesday. Ha, no I'm not going there, but I will give you a brief synopsis....29, mom, wife, college educated. Have not had an easy life. Lost both of my parents when I was 22....I work daily on not being bitter. I have multiple health problems, and I'm a slight hypochondriac. I'm an anxious person with ongoing battle against depression. I'm a lover, but I don't take crap from anyone. I'm fiercely loyal and overprotective of those I love, especially my kids. I love sarcasm, long walks on the beach (if I have the energy), my husband's ass, profanity, coffee, the Big Bang Theory, laughing, reading, shopping (with coupons, of course!), reality TV, The Philadelphia Eagles and football in general and chocolate.

Well, that's us in a nutshell. Time to curl up with my husband and sleep. That's all we'll be doing. :-)

"Pilot"

As a stay-at-home mom of two beautiful little geniuses, I find myself desperate for something a little more mentally stimulating than watching Nick, Jr., and playing peekaboo, and coloring, and wiping butts. As much as I love being with my girls day in and day out - 24/7/365 - every waking moment....I'm losing myself. So what's a stay-at-home mom to do? Start a blog, of course!

After seeing those "Pack-it" commercials on Sprout, I became intrigued with the term "mom blogger". What's a "mom blogger", you ask? I really don't freaking know, but I want to be one- sort of. What I'm guessing is that these moms blog about her kids and how amazing they are, and how they made life-sized paper mache dolls on a rainy day. Aside from talking about how amazing MY kids are, I want to write about many things, including, but not limited to: my ever-present maladies, marriage and relationships, current events, pregnancy and child-rearing crap, my neuroses, my love of The Big Bang Theory, etc.

While I want to keep this blog as light-hearted as possible, its inevitable that I will write about some serious things too. I'm a little opinionated- no, scratch that- very opinionated, but I do keep an open-mind and I always welcome a friendly debate ;-).