Well, we we're getting ready to leave the hospital; the baby was snugly secured in her car seat, and I was dressed in my finest postpartum attire, when I noticed that no one had brought me a bag. Man. I'm totally getting the shaft here. Not fair. I'm mean they sliced and diced me and ripped an 8 pound human being from my uterus, the least they can do is give me a damn bag. As if she could read my mind, in walks the nurse...carrying my bag! Sa-weeeeet! I hobble over to her and rip my bag from her hands. Gimme me my bag, bitch! I tore into that thing like a kid ripping into her presents on Christmas morning. Baby lotion- lame. Baby wash- lamer. Coupons- boring. Formula- ok. Nipple shields- useful. 3 diapers- come on now.
Me: Where's the book? There's no book in here.
W: What book, dear? (I could sense his annoyance)
Me: The how to not screw this baby up, be a perfect parent, and raise a perfect child all while avoiding spending thousands of dollars in therapy. For dummies. That one.
W: There ain't one.
Me: You mean she doesn't come with a how-to book?
It's true, folks, babies don't come with a how-to book. Sure there are all kinds of parenting books out there encompassing thousands of different topics, but there is not one book that says, "do exactly as I say, and I will bet you a million bucks your kid will be 100% healthy, happy, and well-adjusted." I don't know about you, but my kids are screwed.
So, ultimately, it is up to us to do the best we can to not screw up our kids. It's no easy task. I mean, do we vaccinate or not? Do we co-sleep or put her in the crib in her room? Do I breastfeed or formula feed? Do we let her cry it out? Do we spank? Do we do time-out? What age should we potty train? Do we put her on a schedule? Or let her make her own? Should we use disposable diapers or cloth? What kind of parenting style should we follow? Attachment parenting? Authoritative parenting? Permissive parenting? Help me?
Each Tuesday, starting next week, will be Parenting Topic Tuesday! Woo hoo! I will discuss all the latest hot topics in the world of parenting, beginning with vaccines. Good stuff.
P.S.- I totally made up that story. I know babies don't come with a book...would be nice though.
Please Mommy, don't screw us up
This is why I Don't want to even entertain the notion of a child.... I'm scared as hell I won't do it right and therefore put another poor, defenseless human on earth to figure out lives truths!!!!! My only saving grace is that kids mean the spirit of Santa is back in the house LOL
ReplyDeleteAmy you can come borrow our kids whenever you want for whatever holiday you want. Please! Isn't Arbor Day coming up? Take em!
DeleteMy mom always said, "you do the best you can and they pay for their own therapy." I'm just going to run with that. Ruby's screwed, too.
ReplyDeleteYes, dear, our kids are totally screwed...but its a joint effort from both of us. And no, you didn't make it up! You asked everyday for a month,"Are you SURE there isn't a book?" Intermittently with "No you can't put her down! Her head will go flat!" And you missed the parenting method of leave em on a corner, pin a 20 to their coat and wish em the best of luck. And when all else fails, make an example of one of em and the others fall in line
ReplyDelete