For once in my life I have absolutely nothing to say! I don't know what is going on here, but I can't think of anything funny to write about. Not one single thing. It's like my brain has stopped producing ideas, most likely the result of a silent stroke I must have had, that is affecting the funny center of my brain. I've lost my mojo.
I think back a month ago to the endless ideas I had for this blog. I "wrote" them down on my memo pad on my phone and everything. I look at the list now and nothing is sparking in my brain. No connections are being made. My neurons aren't firing properly. I can't think of shit to write about.
I've been in a major fibromylagia flare recently which seems to be abating little by little. I've been in constant head-to-toe pain for the last week and it's been taking a toll on my humor. Pain isn't funny. Niether is getting unrefreshing sleep when you have two babies to keep up with. Neither is the "brain fog" that is causing the complete shut-down of ideas (no, i didn't really have a stroke). Or the unrelenting muscle spasms. Or the mood swings/depression. Or the fatigue. Fibromyalgia sucks balls. Big ones. Like my husband's.
I know this flare will pass soon enough, and I will be back to my normal self, with just a minor amount of aches and pains. Till I get my mojo back, I will be focusing on my Pinning endeavors, and my attempt at redecorating our house on a super-tight budget. Funny that I mention that because.....I am creating a second blog! Yes, I'm nuts.
My second blog will be reality straight-up. I'm calling it "Mommy's Broke." It will be full of tips, tricks, etc., for living on one income and being frugal. How to do a lot on a little. How to fake it till you make it. For the mom on a budget. You get the drift.
Stay tuned...
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Marriage Survival Guide, Part One--SEX
In a marriage rut? Hate your husband? Dull sex life? Bicker over everything? Again, welcome to the club! Just kidding, I don't hate my husband. However, I have decided to do some research and create a survival guide to help us all navigate this beautiful institution known as marriage. Ahhhhh. I really want to explore some surefire ways to keep your marriage, and my marriage, in tip-top shape. Like I've said before, divorces are expensive....
Marriage is rough; over half of them end in divorce. I may not be able to commit to things like losing weight, or shaving my legs on a regular basis, but I am committed to my marriage. And with that commitment comes work and sacrifice and love and compromise and sex and meeting someone else's emotional needs and sex and communication and sex and understanding. And sex.
As you can see, I think sex is a huge part of a marriage, I mean you can actually divorce someone on the grounds of a shitty sex life. It's true. The quality of your sex life is a direct reflection on the quality of your overall relationship. If the boat ain't a rockin' at all, something ain't right. I also think if your sex life is lackluster, it is going to affect your relationship as well.
I say if you want a strong marriage, make doing the nasty a priority. Everyone is so much happier after they've gotten some nookie. It's a scientific fact! Frequent sex builds intimacy in a relationship and it makes you feel so much closer to your hubby. So, I present........
1. According to the American Dental Association, semen fights plaque and tooth decay better than mouthwash. Apparently your husband's "man batter" contains calcium and zinc, among other things, which kill those yucky mouth germs. Look, I could make so many jokes about this, but I will exhibit some class here.
2. Sperm has anti-aging properties. Only when applied to skin. This is explains my youthful appearance.
3. The average length of intercourse only lasts from 3-4 minutes. I can handle that. Quicker I can get back to Pinterest, the better.
4. Having sex just once a week can boost immune function by 30%. Hmmm, how many colds do you catch? I couldn't tell you the last time I had a cold, probably because I have sex just once a week.
5. Experts say that regular sex can help alleviate migraines. There goes the headache excuse, ladies.
6. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than Valium. Honestly, who doesn't need a tranquilizer after a long day with the kids? Am I right? Can I get a witness?
7. Sex acts as a antihistamine, which helps to combat asthma and allergies. Can't breathe? Nose running like a faucet? Wheezing? No better time to get freaky than now!
8. Men who have an active sex life are more likely to live past 80 years-old. I know I'll do ANYTHING to extend my husband's life.
9. Sex and orgasms release the hormone oxytocin, which increases that feeling of love and bonding. Oxytocin is a hell of a drug.
10. Women who have more sex have higher levels of estrogen, which protects against heart disease. Could this be why I've had so many "heart attacks"?
11. Sex decreases depression. Studies have shown women that have regular sex without a condom, experience lower rates of depression. In an attempt to starve off my depression, I wound having two babies within two years.
Stay tuned for more helpful marriage tips....
Marriage is rough; over half of them end in divorce. I may not be able to commit to things like losing weight, or shaving my legs on a regular basis, but I am committed to my marriage. And with that commitment comes work and sacrifice and love and compromise and sex and meeting someone else's emotional needs and sex and communication and sex and understanding. And sex.
As you can see, I think sex is a huge part of a marriage, I mean you can actually divorce someone on the grounds of a shitty sex life. It's true. The quality of your sex life is a direct reflection on the quality of your overall relationship. If the boat ain't a rockin' at all, something ain't right. I also think if your sex life is lackluster, it is going to affect your relationship as well.
I say if you want a strong marriage, make doing the nasty a priority. Everyone is so much happier after they've gotten some nookie. It's a scientific fact! Frequent sex builds intimacy in a relationship and it makes you feel so much closer to your hubby. So, I present........
11 Reasons To Get It On Tonight
1. According to the American Dental Association, semen fights plaque and tooth decay better than mouthwash. Apparently your husband's "man batter" contains calcium and zinc, among other things, which kill those yucky mouth germs. Look, I could make so many jokes about this, but I will exhibit some class here.
2. Sperm has anti-aging properties. Only when applied to skin. This is explains my youthful appearance.
3. The average length of intercourse only lasts from 3-4 minutes. I can handle that. Quicker I can get back to Pinterest, the better.
4. Having sex just once a week can boost immune function by 30%. Hmmm, how many colds do you catch? I couldn't tell you the last time I had a cold, probably because I have sex just once a week.
5. Experts say that regular sex can help alleviate migraines. There goes the headache excuse, ladies.
6. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than Valium. Honestly, who doesn't need a tranquilizer after a long day with the kids? Am I right? Can I get a witness?
7. Sex acts as a antihistamine, which helps to combat asthma and allergies. Can't breathe? Nose running like a faucet? Wheezing? No better time to get freaky than now!
8. Men who have an active sex life are more likely to live past 80 years-old. I know I'll do ANYTHING to extend my husband's life.
9. Sex and orgasms release the hormone oxytocin, which increases that feeling of love and bonding. Oxytocin is a hell of a drug.
10. Women who have more sex have higher levels of estrogen, which protects against heart disease. Could this be why I've had so many "heart attacks"?
11. Sex decreases depression. Studies have shown women that have regular sex without a condom, experience lower rates of depression. In an attempt to starve off my depression, I wound having two babies within two years.
Stay tuned for more helpful marriage tips....
Monday, February 20, 2012
Entitled Toddlers
What is it with toddlers these days? I mean, really, they are so spoiled! And demanding! My God are they demanding! And bossy! They are SOOOO bossy! I mean I can't even color with Pookie anymore because she makes me cry. She forces me to use a green crayon...every single time! Can't I just pick what fucking crayon I want to color with?! I don't even like green! I prefer a nice violet or a carnation pink.
So, they're spoiled, demanding and bossy, but now I'm wondering if it is ALL toddlers or if it's just mine. And if it is just mine, does that mean it's my fault? No, no way. Definitely not my fault....
I think she was born with yet another syndrome--Entitled Toddler Syndrome. I'm hoping and praying Bitty has eluded this unfortunate genetic condition. ETS is a genetic syndrome (parents are at no fault here, we have not spoiled our children to the point of entitlement) that affects a large portion of the toddler population. It's main characteristics are:
Entitled Toddler Syndrome strikes early, and it strikes hard. In fact, I believe it hit Pookie from the day she was born. I was so excited to nurse her. I couldn't wait for that all natural, beautiful experience...a true bonding between a mother and her child. I remember presenting my amble bosom to nourish her, and she took one look at that thing and said HELL, NO! Yes, my daughter is a genius, at one hour old "hell no" were her first words.
Hell, no? Are my boobs not good enough? Look here, kid, I've been waiting 9 months to nurse you, and you are going to do it and like it! No ifs, ands or buts about it! I finally got her to latch on (with the help of every nurse on the floor) after coaxing her for about an hour. Ahhh...this is a beautiful thing! Then the screams began. Blood-curling, horrific screams! OMG, my colostrum is poising her! It wasn't, but I did think that for a second.
I was growing weary after many hours of trying to get her to latch on correctly. The nurses and the "boob lady" saw the pain in my eyes. The defeat. The disappointment. The boob lady presented me with an alternative. A bottle. A sweet, glorious bottle of Similac. Gimme that shit, yo. I put that bottle in Pookie's mouth and she sucked down those 2 ounces so fast I couldn't believe it.
Hmmmm...so why did she take that bottle so easily but refused to latch onto me? I'll tell you why...she didn't want to do the work. That's right my friends, my baby girl wanted that food presented in the easiest way possible. She didn't want to have to latch onto anything. She didn't want to have to suck hard. She was hungry damn it, and she wanted that food immediately. She wanted it presented to her on a silver platter. After all, she had been working hard floating around in a pool of warm water for the past 9 months. Not like I did any work making her or anything. Major entitlement issues.
Fast forward two and half years. We are in throes of severe ETS right now; I see no signs of remission ahead. All I can see is increasing amounts of entitlement. More demands for ice cream. More demands for juice. More demands for Goldfish. More demands for Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. More demands to torture the cat.
I see increasing amounts of bossiness, as well: Mommy, put the baby down! Mommy, color now! Mommy, NOWWWWW! Mommy, cup, cup! Mommy, do you see my cup sitting 3 feet away from me? Bring it to me! Nowwwww!
I'm not sure where we go from here. Maybe I need to start a support group for parents of ETS kids? Maybe I need to take up drinking? Heavily.
This is Pookie's world and I'm just living in it. ;-)
So, they're spoiled, demanding and bossy, but now I'm wondering if it is ALL toddlers or if it's just mine. And if it is just mine, does that mean it's my fault? No, no way. Definitely not my fault....
I think she was born with yet another syndrome--Entitled Toddler Syndrome. I'm hoping and praying Bitty has eluded this unfortunate genetic condition. ETS is a genetic syndrome (parents are at no fault here, we have not spoiled our children to the point of entitlement) that affects a large portion of the toddler population. It's main characteristics are:
- Bossiness
- Entitlement issues
- Demanding nature
- Nap avoidance
- Preference to draw on walls instead of paper; "the world is my canvas" attitude
- Dumps toys and other items all over floor; finds joy in watching parent clean-up his or her destruction
- General disdain for hair-washing; feels hair is fine being a sticky mess
- Repeated tantrums
- Prefers junk food; cries when presented with vegetables
- Emergence of Toddler Psychosis when told "no"
- Strong preference for cartoons; will go to any lengths to watch "just one more show"
- Objects to parental comfort; will always need something when parents are relaxing comfortably
Entitled Toddler Syndrome strikes early, and it strikes hard. In fact, I believe it hit Pookie from the day she was born. I was so excited to nurse her. I couldn't wait for that all natural, beautiful experience...a true bonding between a mother and her child. I remember presenting my amble bosom to nourish her, and she took one look at that thing and said HELL, NO! Yes, my daughter is a genius, at one hour old "hell no" were her first words.
Hell, no? Are my boobs not good enough? Look here, kid, I've been waiting 9 months to nurse you, and you are going to do it and like it! No ifs, ands or buts about it! I finally got her to latch on (with the help of every nurse on the floor) after coaxing her for about an hour. Ahhh...this is a beautiful thing! Then the screams began. Blood-curling, horrific screams! OMG, my colostrum is poising her! It wasn't, but I did think that for a second.
I was growing weary after many hours of trying to get her to latch on correctly. The nurses and the "boob lady" saw the pain in my eyes. The defeat. The disappointment. The boob lady presented me with an alternative. A bottle. A sweet, glorious bottle of Similac. Gimme that shit, yo. I put that bottle in Pookie's mouth and she sucked down those 2 ounces so fast I couldn't believe it.
Hmmmm...so why did she take that bottle so easily but refused to latch onto me? I'll tell you why...she didn't want to do the work. That's right my friends, my baby girl wanted that food presented in the easiest way possible. She didn't want to have to latch onto anything. She didn't want to have to suck hard. She was hungry damn it, and she wanted that food immediately. She wanted it presented to her on a silver platter. After all, she had been working hard floating around in a pool of warm water for the past 9 months. Not like I did any work making her or anything. Major entitlement issues.
Fast forward two and half years. We are in throes of severe ETS right now; I see no signs of remission ahead. All I can see is increasing amounts of entitlement. More demands for ice cream. More demands for juice. More demands for Goldfish. More demands for Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. More demands to torture the cat.
I see increasing amounts of bossiness, as well: Mommy, put the baby down! Mommy, color now! Mommy, NOWWWWW! Mommy, cup, cup! Mommy, do you see my cup sitting 3 feet away from me? Bring it to me! Nowwwww!
I'm not sure where we go from here. Maybe I need to start a support group for parents of ETS kids? Maybe I need to take up drinking? Heavily.
This is Pookie's world and I'm just living in it. ;-)
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Oh yeah, I'm Pinterested
I've been hearing about this Pinterest site for quite some time now, and I was successful in resisting the temptation to check it out up until two days ago. See, when I find something new that I like, I become OBSESSED for like two weeks, then I wake up one day and I'm over it. Character flaw. I can't stick to anything. Except smoking...I wonder why that is? Anyway, after hearing about it, reading about it, and seeing all my friend's "pins" on Facebook, I decided to give it a whirl.
Big mistake.
Huge.
Ok, so what is this Pinterest thing all about? Well, according to the actual website, Pinterest is a virtual pinboard where you can "organize and share all the beautiful things you find on the web." Genius.
It is also an "invite-only" site, which I think adds to the appeal. Double genius.
I was perusing the site the other night, with my husband glaring over my shoulder (you know, he was pretending he wasn't interested, but in fact he was), and I tried "pinning" a recipe (husband was enthusiastically nodding), but was deeply saddened to learn that you must be invited first. I requested an invite and was told I would be able to pin "soon." Really? Why can't I do it now? Are you guys performing a criminal background check? Am I not good enough to belong to this exclusive club? Gee, I hope they aren't doing a credit check, I'll never get in. I was annoyed, but I waited the painful 12 hours before I was granted permission to pin. Assholes.
As soon as the Pinterest genie granted me access, I was on that site like white on rice, baby. Recipes and home decor and organization tips and style guides and pictures of beautiful homes we'll never be able to afford...I love it! But as I spent more time checking out other peoples' pins, I began to feel as if I might be a huge failure at life. I would NEVER have thought of any of things on my own. Why didn't I think of making finger paints out of dish soap? What is wrong with me?! Why didn't I think of turning a mason jar into a festive lantern? How come when I paint my nails, they NEVER look that good?
This is not good for my self-esteem.
But, on the flip side, I am feeling inspired. Maybe obessively inspiried. I'm seeing ideas for things that have crossed my mind once or twice in the past, and I'm feeling a renewed sense of urgency to organize my pantry! I'm going to actually do some of these things I have discovered, I swear! The best part? I'm going document ALL of it so you guys can feel inspired as well (or laugh at me, either one).
I was planning on doing some blogs about frugal living, living on one-income, being poor, etc., etc., prior to becoming obsessed with Pinterest, but now I have even MORE ideas! Yay!
Happy pinning!
Big mistake.
Huge.
Ok, so what is this Pinterest thing all about? Well, according to the actual website, Pinterest is a virtual pinboard where you can "organize and share all the beautiful things you find on the web." Genius.
It is also an "invite-only" site, which I think adds to the appeal. Double genius.
I was perusing the site the other night, with my husband glaring over my shoulder (you know, he was pretending he wasn't interested, but in fact he was), and I tried "pinning" a recipe (husband was enthusiastically nodding), but was deeply saddened to learn that you must be invited first. I requested an invite and was told I would be able to pin "soon." Really? Why can't I do it now? Are you guys performing a criminal background check? Am I not good enough to belong to this exclusive club? Gee, I hope they aren't doing a credit check, I'll never get in. I was annoyed, but I waited the painful 12 hours before I was granted permission to pin. Assholes.
As soon as the Pinterest genie granted me access, I was on that site like white on rice, baby. Recipes and home decor and organization tips and style guides and pictures of beautiful homes we'll never be able to afford...I love it! But as I spent more time checking out other peoples' pins, I began to feel as if I might be a huge failure at life. I would NEVER have thought of any of things on my own. Why didn't I think of making finger paints out of dish soap? What is wrong with me?! Why didn't I think of turning a mason jar into a festive lantern? How come when I paint my nails, they NEVER look that good?
This is not good for my self-esteem.
But, on the flip side, I am feeling inspired. Maybe obessively inspiried. I'm seeing ideas for things that have crossed my mind once or twice in the past, and I'm feeling a renewed sense of urgency to organize my pantry! I'm going to actually do some of these things I have discovered, I swear! The best part? I'm going document ALL of it so you guys can feel inspired as well (or laugh at me, either one).
I was planning on doing some blogs about frugal living, living on one-income, being poor, etc., etc., prior to becoming obsessed with Pinterest, but now I have even MORE ideas! Yay!
Happy pinning!
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
My Valentine's Love Song Dedications To You!
In the mood for love? Well you should be, it's Valentine's Day, y'all! Whether you're looking to get romantic this evening, or cry into a gallon of ice cream, I have something for everyone this Valentine's Day. Enjoy!
Creep (Radiohead)- Not only is this one of the best songs of the 90's hands down, but I feel it captures the true essence of love: emotional turmoil, obsession and feeling not quite good enough. Plus, it reminds me of my husband....he threw rocks at my window once :-) True story.
The Stalker
Creep (Radiohead)- Not only is this one of the best songs of the 90's hands down, but I feel it captures the true essence of love: emotional turmoil, obsession and feeling not quite good enough. Plus, it reminds me of my husband....he threw rocks at my window once :-) True story.
The Hopeless Romantic
Must Be Doing Something Right (Billy Currington)- Alright ladies, this one's for you! Not only is this video freaking hot, but there is just something about this song that makes me melt. For my male readers, I highly suggest playing this for your lady if you're looking to score tonight. It's a panty-dropper!
The Male Chauvinist
Crazy Bitch (Buckcherry)- WARNING: EXPLICIT LYRICS (the edited version just isn't the same)! If I had to pick one song that my husband would probably call up the radio station to dedicate to me, it would be this one.
The Bi-Polar Girl
Fallin' (Alicia Keys)- Ok, this chick has absolutely no clue what she wants. One minute she's in love, the next minute she isn't. Sounds a lot like me in the past.
The Pleaser
Drive (Melissa Ferrick)- This is the sexiest song you've never heard. Seriously. Melissa Ferrick knows how to please a lady. Take notes, boys.
The Unlucky-In-Love
The Rose (Bette Middler)- I just love Bette Middler, and that fact that this song is SO depressing and SO beautiful at the same time. But, if you really listen to the lyrics, Bette is telling us to hold on...things will get better, and love will come along.
The Self-Loather
The Kill (30 Seconds to Mars)- In a tumultuous relationship with yourself? Looking to break-up with you? Don't worry, Jared Leto feels your pain.
The Married Couples
Let's Stay Together (Al Green)- Let's face it, divorces are expensive.
The Recently Dumped
Someone Like You (Adele)- Oh, it's not over. Adele is pissed, and she's coming for your ass.
For My Husband
Love Song (311)- You make me feel like I am home again. I will ALWAYS love you, hun. It's the dubstep version :-)
Monday, February 13, 2012
My Valentine's Day Wish List
Gift-giving holidays tend to be frustrating around here. It seems like if I mention something that I want, I don't get it. If I mention something that I don't want, I get it. Like if I were to say, I could really use a new diamond tennis bracelet, I'll get a Snuggie. Or if I say, I can't believe people give vacuum cleaners as Valentine's gifts, I'll get one.
Following my husband's logic, I decided to make a list, complete with pictures, to aid him along in choosing the perfect V-day gift for me.
I absolutely do not, under any circumstances, want any of the following gifts:
Diamonds- One word: Tacky. Diamonds are certainly NOT a girl's best friend. Diamonds make horrible gifts.
Maid Service- I LIVE to clean. Why would I want a break from it? I often wonder why I even bothered going to college knowing that deep down inside all I ever really wanted to do was clean. It's my passion, my driving force, my LIFE.
A tropical vacation- Think twice before you book those plane tickets, dear. Why would I ever want to leave all this? Our home is my tropical paradise. Plus, I have a white noise app on my phone complete with an ocean waves sound. I can just close my eyes and pretend, it's totally the same thing!
A romantic dinner out- A night out alone? Away from the kids? No way. I would MUCH rather stay home and cook you an elaborate dinner with the girls climbing all over me.
A day at the spa- Rest, relaxation, pampering? Not for me. I would much rather just take a soak in our tub while listening to the soothing sounds of Pookie's tantrums.
A weekend getaway to a Bed and Breakfast- Again, hold that reservation, love. Why would I want to stay in a quaint little cottage in a picturesque country town far, far away from here? I hear they even serve up a homemade breakfast in the morning. Blasphemy!
New make-up- Don't even waste your money. I love my dark under-eye circles and uneven skin tone. Really, I work hard on looking this run-down every day.
New perfume- Why would I need this? I absolutely love smelling like the heavenly mixture of spit-up, poop and diaper rash cream. You can't put THAT in a bottle.
New clothes- If there is one thing I really love, it's my current wardrobe...I have an endless supply of yoga pants and t-shirts. They may be too tight and covered in stains, but my confidence comes from within. I don't need clothes that fit.
A gift certificate for a hair cut- Pointless. I wear my long, frizzy, in-desperate-need-of-a-trim hair up in a messy bun anyway. It's all the rage among the stay-at-home mom set.
Please, please buy me these
things:
Sexy lingerie- 40 pounds of left over baby weight + sexy lingerie = a major self-esteem boost!
Bacon lube- I can't imagine anything getting me in the mood faster than the scent of bacon.
A house plant- One more thing to feed, water and nurture? Yes, please!
An apron- Do you know when I feel my sexiest? When I'm slaving away in the kitchen.
A couples hoodie- I can't think of anything that would be more perfect than spending an entire day this close to you! Sweaty armpits are no match for our love!
Chocolate- Nothing says "I love you, babe" quite like chocolate. Never mind that baby weight I'm trying to lose. I love that I still look pregnant almost 10 months later....really!
His & Her Tongue Scrapers- One word: HOT. Nothing will keep that spark alive better than watching each other scrape the "fur" off of our tongues.
Roses- The classic Valentine's gift. I can't think of a better way to spend our money! It just makes so much financial sense to spend $75 on something that will be dead in a week.
Dolphin jewelry- I've often asked myself why I don't have moretacky beautiful jewelry like this.
Hopefully this works, and I can score a fabulous island vacation complete with a spa trip (haircut & makeover included), a stay at a bed and breakfast, a new diamond tennis bracelet, a shopping spree and then return home to a sparkling clean house. Yeah, in my dreams. I'm counting on the bacon lube.
Happy Valentine's Day!
Following my husband's logic, I decided to make a list, complete with pictures, to aid him along in choosing the perfect V-day gift for me.
I absolutely do not, under any circumstances, want any of the following gifts:
Diamonds- One word: Tacky. Diamonds are certainly NOT a girl's best friend. Diamonds make horrible gifts.
Maid Service- I LIVE to clean. Why would I want a break from it? I often wonder why I even bothered going to college knowing that deep down inside all I ever really wanted to do was clean. It's my passion, my driving force, my LIFE.
A tropical vacation- Think twice before you book those plane tickets, dear. Why would I ever want to leave all this? Our home is my tropical paradise. Plus, I have a white noise app on my phone complete with an ocean waves sound. I can just close my eyes and pretend, it's totally the same thing!
A romantic dinner out- A night out alone? Away from the kids? No way. I would MUCH rather stay home and cook you an elaborate dinner with the girls climbing all over me.
A day at the spa- Rest, relaxation, pampering? Not for me. I would much rather just take a soak in our tub while listening to the soothing sounds of Pookie's tantrums.
A weekend getaway to a Bed and Breakfast- Again, hold that reservation, love. Why would I want to stay in a quaint little cottage in a picturesque country town far, far away from here? I hear they even serve up a homemade breakfast in the morning. Blasphemy!
New make-up- Don't even waste your money. I love my dark under-eye circles and uneven skin tone. Really, I work hard on looking this run-down every day.
New perfume- Why would I need this? I absolutely love smelling like the heavenly mixture of spit-up, poop and diaper rash cream. You can't put THAT in a bottle.
New clothes- If there is one thing I really love, it's my current wardrobe...I have an endless supply of yoga pants and t-shirts. They may be too tight and covered in stains, but my confidence comes from within. I don't need clothes that fit.
A gift certificate for a hair cut- Pointless. I wear my long, frizzy, in-desperate-need-of-a-trim hair up in a messy bun anyway. It's all the rage among the stay-at-home mom set.
Please, please buy me these
things:
Sexy lingerie- 40 pounds of left over baby weight + sexy lingerie = a major self-esteem boost!
Bacon lube- I can't imagine anything getting me in the mood faster than the scent of bacon.
A house plant- One more thing to feed, water and nurture? Yes, please!
An apron- Do you know when I feel my sexiest? When I'm slaving away in the kitchen.
A couples hoodie- I can't think of anything that would be more perfect than spending an entire day this close to you! Sweaty armpits are no match for our love!
Chocolate- Nothing says "I love you, babe" quite like chocolate. Never mind that baby weight I'm trying to lose. I love that I still look pregnant almost 10 months later....really!
His & Her Tongue Scrapers- One word: HOT. Nothing will keep that spark alive better than watching each other scrape the "fur" off of our tongues.
Roses- The classic Valentine's gift. I can't think of a better way to spend our money! It just makes so much financial sense to spend $75 on something that will be dead in a week.
Dolphin jewelry- I've often asked myself why I don't have more
Hopefully this works, and I can score a fabulous island vacation complete with a spa trip (haircut & makeover included), a stay at a bed and breakfast, a new diamond tennis bracelet, a shopping spree and then return home to a sparkling clean house. Yeah, in my dreams. I'm counting on the bacon lube.
Happy Valentine's Day!
Friday, February 10, 2012
A Day in My Life...A Photo Diary
Welcome to a fun, exciting day in my life! I chose to document this day because we had nowhere to go, nothing to do, and no scheduled visitors. I have to tell you beforehand that I am the world's worst photographer, and that these pictures were taken on my phone. Enjoy!
6:55 am- I open my eyes and realize that my bladder is about explode. I curse myself for drinking fluids. No one else is awake yet, although my husband should have been long gone by now. Yes, there is no picture here. The glass on the lens would shatter if forced to capture me first thing in the morning.
7:22 am- Husband is late for work, again. I decide to make him a healthy, nutritious breakfast to start his day off right, and give him the energy to go to work and shine! Then it dawns on me....it ain't 1950. Sorry, dude, but you'll just have to stop at Wawa and buy yourself a doughnut like all the other husbands.
7:25 am- Time for my nutritional supplements. I start MY day off right by ingesting the three most important nutrients: caffeine, nicotine and citalopram. I know, I know, I'm a health nut.
7:27 am- I head outside to enjoy the sunrise, or take my nicotine. Either one.
7:35 am- At this point I'm really not sure what to do with myself. It's a rare occurrence that I am awake before the girls. Damn you, bladder! I decide to sit down and work on my blog. For 5 minutes. I hear the baby freaking on the monitor.
7:40 am- Rescue my little princess from her prison. I scoop her up and peek in on Pookie. I perform the breathing test, she passes, so Bitty and I head downstairs for a dry diapy and a bottle. What's the breathing test? It's a little neurotic mommy thing I do, that started when Pookster was a newborn. I just pick a spot on their shirts to stare at, then I watch them breathe for 10 seconds, just to make sure everything is kosher. PS- I haven't even told my husband I do that. Guess the cat is out of the bag now!
8:02 am- The queen is awake, and she is now accepting an audience.
8:03- Time for Mickey Mouse and juice. You know how I feel about Mickey's narcissistic ass.
8:09 am- Is this wrong?
8:42 am- Breakfast time! Peanut butter Cheerios and a banana for Pookie. Baby slop for Bitty. Poor thing.
9:10 am- After breakfast we head upstairs to get dressed, brush teeth and wipe faces. I change Bitty. Pookie picks out her head piece. I decide Pookie and I will stay in our jammies, considering we aren't going anywhere, and that it's better for the environment. Less dirty clothes, less laundry, less energy used, less water wasted. It's all for the environment. Really!
9:55 am- Pookie eats when she's good and ready.
10:15 am- Once again I am behind on my laundry. Story of my life. I hate laundry, it's my archenemy.
10:22 am- While the laundry spins, we play in the basement playroom. Bits is not too thrilled about all these pictures. Guess I should explain her nickname.... She was so tiny when she was born (compared to her sister), that one of the first things I said was, oh, you're such an itty bitty thing. From then on we called her Itty Bitty. Now it's either Bitty or Bits.
Pookie playing in her "color-me playhouse". As you can see, I spent quite a bit of time coloring it. I wasn't annoyed AT ALL when she decided to scribble all over it.
11:35 am- Nappy time for Bits!
11:50 am- During Bitty's first nap of the day, we always spend time together doing something creative. Today it's paint and play doh. You can't tell, but she is painting my shirt. I slept in it, so I really don't care.
Pick me a winner, kid.
12:25 pm- Once my little Picasso finished painting my shirt and the kitchen floor, we decided to sit down, have a drink, and express ourselves through art.
Since I was feeling a little down, I decided to create a masterpiece of my own. Can anyone guess which favorite body part I was sculpting? Note: not to scale
1:35 pm- Bitty is up and Pookie has managed to get tiny little play doh balls all over the house. I figured now would be a great time to eat lunch. Again, slop for Bity, and Pookie gets a PB&J on whole wheat with a cup of unsweetened applesauce, and a vitamin. This her lunch every damn day. She won't eat ANYTHING else. I made Mickey Mouse, see?
2:05- I throw Bitty in her walker for her 30 minutes of required rec time. I also notice my kitchen floor is covered in paint, play doh AND puffs. Commence cleaning mission.
2:10 pm- Break out my weapons of mass destruction.
2:11 pm- Abort cleaning mission. Will resume after optimal blood caffeine levels have been attained.
2:33 pm- Caffeine is consumed, so I decide to start by sweeping all the crap on the floor into a central location. From here I will disperse each item to its proper home (i.e., the trash can). I capture this shot just as my lil pumpkin runs right into the pile and then proceeds to drag everything around. Awesome.
3:01 pm- Dueling vacuums
3:45 pm- Last load of laundry is in the dryer. I give my folded laundry the finger as I shut the door.
3:46 pm- I join the girls on the floor in the basement and we play for about an hour. I make it a point to spend as much time playing with them and reading to them as possible. One day they won't want to play with me anymore. :-(
You will notice here that Pookie isn't wearing pants. Pookie hates pants (and socks), and she will take them off every chance she gets. I try not to take her out in public too much.
4:54 pm- Tubby time!
I love bath time. For one small portion of the day, I have them contained in one area. It's a beautiful thing.
5:34 pm- I manage to get Bitty down for a nap, and Pookie and I plop down on the floor for some TV time. At this point, I have washed and dried 3 loads of laundry, swept, mopped and vacuumed the floors, changed numerous diapers, made breakfast, lunch, and got dinner into the crock pot, emptied and loaded the dishwasher twice, bathed 2 kids, dusted and wiped down the kitchen, not to mention how much actual one-on-one time I spend with my girls, playing, singing, reading and loving. You will also notice that Pookie has not napped yet. I don't get a break. I don't get to sit around and watch Maury all day. Tell me to my face stay-at-home moms don't do anything all day :-)
Pookie loves those Look and Find books!
6:55 pm- If there's anything more annoying than Micky Mouse Clubhouse, it's Caillou
7:35 pm- Bottle and cuddles with Bitty after her nap. If you look closely, you can see my body. That is ALL you're going to see of me. Oh, if you look real close you can see a stain on my shirt. I'm not sure what it is.
8:03 pm- Daddy's home! Yup, this is the time he gets home every night. He did stop and pick up this fish, Snowflake, though. If you read my blog yesterday, you know that he is now in fishie heaven.
8:10- Dinner time! Yes, we eat late as hell. Never fear, they have plenty of snacks throughout the day. It's important to me that we all sit down together as a family, minus Pookie, because my cooking is not up to her standards apparently, and she refuses to eat any dinner other than pizza.
Bitty is wearing a Halloween bib in February. I'm behind on my laundry. Don't judge me.
Tonight's dinner- Crock pot London broil, green beans and rice. I ALWAYS make brown rice, but I desperately need to go food shopping. Again, don't judge me. I took a picture of the London broil cooking in the crock pot, but decided not to post it because it looked like a crime scene photo.
9:10 pm- That's all folks. Time to relax and get these kiddos in bed.
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