Marriage Survival Guide, Part One--SEX

In a marriage rut? Hate your husband? Dull sex life? Bicker over everything? Again, welcome to the club! Just kidding, I don't hate my husband. However, I have decided to do some research and create a survival guide to help us all navigate this beautiful institution known as marriage. Ahhhhh. I really want to explore some surefire ways to keep your marriage, and my marriage, in tip-top shape. Like I've said before, divorces are expensive....


Marriage is rough; over half of them end in divorce. I may not be able to commit to things like losing weight, or shaving my legs on a regular basis, but I am committed to my marriage. And with that commitment comes work and sacrifice and love and compromise and sex and meeting someone else's emotional needs and sex and communication and sex and understanding. And sex.

As you can see, I think sex is a huge part of a marriage, I mean you can actually divorce someone on the grounds of a shitty sex life. It's true. The quality of your sex life is a direct reflection on the quality of your overall relationship. If the boat ain't a rockin' at all, something ain't right. I also think if your sex life is lackluster, it is going to affect your relationship as well.

I say if you want a strong marriage, make doing the nasty a priority. Everyone is so much happier after they've gotten some nookie. It's a scientific fact! Frequent sex builds intimacy in a relationship and it makes you feel so much closer to your hubby. So, I present........

11 Reasons To Get It On Tonight

1. According to the American Dental Association, semen fights plaque and tooth decay better than mouthwash. Apparently your husband's "man batter" contains calcium and zinc, among other things, which kill those yucky mouth germs. Look, I could make so many jokes about this, but I will exhibit some class here.

2. Sperm has anti-aging properties. Only when applied to skin. This is explains my youthful appearance.

3. The average length of intercourse only lasts from 3-4 minutes. I can handle that. Quicker I can get back to Pinterest, the better.

4. Having sex just once a week can boost immune function by 30%. Hmmm, how many colds do you catch? I couldn't tell you the last time I had a cold, probably because I have sex just once a week.

5. Experts say that regular sex can help alleviate migraines. There goes the headache excuse, ladies.

6. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than Valium. Honestly, who doesn't need a tranquilizer after a long day with the kids? Am I right? Can I get a witness?

7. Sex acts as a antihistamine, which helps to combat asthma and allergies. Can't breathe? Nose running like a faucet? Wheezing? No better time to get freaky than now!

8. Men who have an active sex life are more likely to live past 80 years-old. I know I'll do ANYTHING to extend my husband's life.

9. Sex and orgasms release the hormone oxytocin, which increases that feeling of love and bonding. Oxytocin is a hell of a drug.

10. Women who have more sex have higher levels of estrogen, which protects against heart disease. Could this be why I've had so many "heart attacks"?

11. Sex decreases depression. Studies have shown women that have regular sex without a condom, experience lower rates of depression. In an attempt to starve off my depression, I wound having two babies within two years.


Stay tuned for more helpful marriage tips....