My Valentine's Day Wish List

Gift-giving holidays tend to be frustrating around here. It seems like if I mention something that I want, I don't get it. If I mention something that I don't want, I get it. Like if I were to say, I could really use a new diamond tennis bracelet, I'll get a Snuggie. Or if I say, I can't believe people give vacuum cleaners as Valentine's gifts, I'll get one.

Following my husband's logic, I decided to make a list, complete with pictures, to aid him along in choosing the perfect V-day gift for me.

I absolutely do not, under any circumstances, want any of the following gifts:

Diamonds- One word: Tacky. Diamonds are certainly NOT a girl's best friend. Diamonds make horrible gifts.








Maid Service- I LIVE to clean. Why would I want a break from it? I often wonder why I even bothered going to college knowing that deep down inside all I ever really wanted to do was clean. It's my passion, my driving force, my LIFE.

A tropical vacation- Think twice before you book those plane tickets, dear. Why would I ever want to leave all this? Our home is my tropical paradise. Plus, I have a white noise app on my phone complete with an ocean waves sound. I can just close my eyes and pretend, it's totally the same thing!

A romantic dinner out- A night out alone? Away from the kids? No way. I would MUCH rather stay home and cook you an elaborate dinner with the girls climbing all over me.

A day at the spa- Rest, relaxation, pampering? Not for me. I would much rather just take a soak in our tub while listening to the soothing sounds of Pookie's tantrums.

A weekend getaway to a Bed and Breakfast- Again, hold that reservation, love. Why would I want to stay in a quaint little cottage in a picturesque country town far, far away from here? I hear they even serve up a homemade breakfast in the morning. Blasphemy!

New make-up- Don't even waste your money. I love my dark under-eye circles and uneven skin tone.  Really, I work hard on looking this run-down every day.

New perfume- Why would I need this? I absolutely love smelling like the heavenly mixture of spit-up, poop and diaper rash cream. You can't put THAT in a bottle.

New clothes- If there is one thing I really love, it's my current wardrobe...I have an endless supply of yoga pants and t-shirts. They may be too tight and covered in stains, but my confidence comes from within. I don't need clothes that fit.

A gift certificate for a hair cut- Pointless. I wear my long, frizzy, in-desperate-need-of-a-trim hair up in a messy bun anyway. It's all the rage among the stay-at-home mom set.






Please, please buy me these
things:

Sexy lingerie- 40 pounds of left over baby weight + sexy lingerie = a major self-esteem boost!

Bacon lube- I can't imagine anything getting me in the mood faster than the scent of bacon.

A house plant- One more thing to feed, water and nurture? Yes, please!

An apron- Do you know when I feel my sexiest? When I'm slaving away in the kitchen.

A couples hoodie- I can't think of anything that would be more perfect than spending an entire day this close to you! Sweaty armpits are no match for our love!

Chocolate- Nothing says "I love you, babe" quite like chocolate. Never mind that baby weight I'm trying to lose. I love that I still look pregnant almost 10 months later....really!

His & Her Tongue Scrapers- One word: HOT. Nothing will keep that spark alive better than watching each other scrape the "fur" off of our tongues.

Roses- The classic Valentine's gift. I can't think of a better way to spend our money! It just makes so much financial sense to spend $75 on something that will be dead in a week.

Dolphin jewelry- I've often asked myself why I don't have more tacky beautiful jewelry like this.










Hopefully this works, and I can score a fabulous island vacation complete with a spa trip (haircut & makeover included), a stay at a bed and breakfast, a new diamond tennis bracelet, a shopping spree and then return home to a sparkling clean house. Yeah, in my dreams. I'm counting on the bacon lube.

Happy Valentine's Day!