Playground pimpin'

With spring slowly approaching, I thought it would be a good idea to talk about how to navigate through the different kinds of moms at the playground....whether you're looking to pick-up a new mom friend, score a play-date, or just engage in some adult conversation, it is imperative to know beforehand the types of moms you may encounter. Here are the six most common types of moms you may come across on any given day at the 'ground.....


The Stay-at-Home Dad (SAHD)- Approach with caution. SAHDs are tricky because you're not sure of the circumstances surrounding his SAHD-ness. In my experience, there are two types of SAHDs: the one who is unemployed and unable to accept the fact that he can not support his family, and is threatened by his wife's success, or the SAHD by choice. The first type of SAHD is usually not up for much conversation that doesn't pertain to his employability or manliness. Trust me, I know this dad. Choice SAHDs are cool because he is loving every minute being home with his kids! I love hanging out with these dads on the playground, because I usually get along better with men than I do with women, and its always fun to stick your butt out a little when you're climbing up the steps to the slide.

The "Perfect-On-The-Outside" Mom- Avoid. Like the plague. This type of mom will usually arrive at the playground in a Suburban, Tahoe, or any other large gas-guzzling SUV. Her kids will jump out of the vehicle dressed in coordinating outfits from GAP kids. She is wearing a cute yoga outfit, and her hair is perfectly highlighted, and her diamonds are blinding. Her mere presence automatically makes you feel so self-conscious that you begin to notice little things that you didn't before. Is that dried peas on my infant's face? Omg, my toddler has stains all over his shirt. Ugh, this stroller is covered in an unidentifiable white substance. I'm a horrible mother! When you are done performing a thorough inspection of yourself and your kids, you can't help it, but a slight smirk has appeared over your face. Ha! Her kids are rude, and out of control, and she's frantically trying to keep them in line. Sucks to be you!

The "Crunchy" Mom- Approach with caution. This type of mom just magically appears on the playground. It is assumed she has either rode her bike or walked there. She is "wearing" her kids in an Ergo carrier; one strapped to the back, and the other strapped to the front. She carries a bag made of hemp that is full of organic snacks. I love crunchy moms because they can be so inspiring! They make you want to go home and start an organic veggie garden. During your conversation with a crunchy mom it is recommended you do not, ever, under any circumstances bring up the following topics: formula feeding, vaccines, c-sections, circumcising your son, disposable diapers, or crib sleeping. Trust me on this.

The Chatty Mom- You have no choice in the matter. She will seek you out. She will plop down on the bench next to you, and point out her child(ren) immediately. This is her pick-up line. You will reply by pointing out your child(ren). She just got you hook, line and sinker. No wing man required. Before you know it, you will be hearing about her episiotomy scar, and how her husband no longer wants to have sex with her, and how her mother-in-law makes her feel like a bad mom, and blah, blah, blah.

The Laid-Back Mom- Approach. I kinda fall into this category, unless Pookie is climbing UP the slide instead of going down. I get a little nervous thinking about broken bones. Anyway, this is the mom that just throws caution to the wind, and gets right on those monkey bars. No slide is too high for this mom. She's just there at the playground having a blast with her kids not thinking about her bills or her nails getting dirty. She is younger and in better shape than you. She's the mom who applauds her kids when they do a somersault off the swing. Broken bones are of no concern to her. She's fun, and she is the kind of mom friend that you need to be hanging out with. Immediately friend her on Facebook.

The "I've Had Enough of Your Shit" Mom- Avoid. She comes to the playground in a business suit. She whips out her laptop as soon as her butt hits the bench. She's totally annoyed to be there, but feels its her duty as a mother to take those little pains in the asses to playground once in a while. She's the mom that yells at her kids the entire time as they frolic around having fun.... Aiden, let me hear you raise your voice one more time! I swear to God we're leaving! Hmmm...wonder where he gets it from? Or she does the countdown....I'm going to count to five, and if you don't wipe that smile off of your face, we're leaving! She is NOT fun.